Categories
Reflection

When the Holy Spirit Convicts You

Isn’t it funny that when you think you have it all figured out, something happens to you that makes you stop and think about how you don’t?
This happened to me a few weeks ago.

But first, some context

I am divorced. Like, as of 42 days ago. Before that, I’d been separated for a little over a year.

Between April 23, 2019 and June 30, 2020, there has been A LOT of growing and healing. I’ve grown closer to God. I’ve let go of people, habits, and things that were only serving to hold me back. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. And I took that to mean that I was completely healed.

Happiness ≠ Healing

I think many of us make the mistake of equating Happiness to Healing. They are not one in the same.

You can feel happiness through illness. You can feel happiness in the middle of a struggle. You can feel happiness and be wounded.

True healing comes from truly, genuinely submitting to God and casting your cares onto Him. But you can’t cast your cares onto Him without submission. And I realized that there was one thing I had not submitted to God.

THE Moment

In the middle of our socially distanced and PPE-wearing Sunday service, I looked up to the altar and the worship team was wearing camo. We were starting a series called “Verano de Nuevas Alturas” (Summer of New Heights), so of course, the temple and the people were all decked out in hiking-themed decor and clothing. I knew about these plans, but I didn’t even consider the camo-wearing. I imagined khakis, hiking boots, lots of plaid, and hats.

Sidenote: DON’T wear camouflage when hiking. That’s just an accident waiting to happen.

Anyway. I look up, and sure enough, there was someone wearing the exact same outfit someone in the military would wear to work. Camo fatigue pants, khaki boots, khaki t-shirt. The outfit my ex-husband wore for all the years I’ve known him. And I just about wanted to die.

Looking back, I think I was having a mild panic attack in the middle of worship. I felt like I was in the middle of a wind tunnel, and I was running out of breath. I couldn’t even look at the person. Their outfit was a trigger to all my anxieties. It took me back to sitting in my home office at 4:00 PM on a weekday, dreading the moment I would hear the garage door open. Because that meant a fight, emotional manipulation, gaslighting, or a barrage of plain meanness was about to come my way.

In that moment, I could feel a whisper in my head saying, “See. You’re happy, but you are not healed.” And that’s when I remembered 1 Peter 5:6-7:

‘So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.’

1 Peter 5:6-7

I don’t have a fast and ready solution to this. Submitting a part of yourself that you keep so hidden or try to flat out ignore is not easy, a one-and-done thing, and it will not happen overnight. Every day I have to choose to submit that hurt and pain to God. And every day, that wound hurts and bleeds a little less. It ceases to be a factor in my decision-making. It becomes a scar.

I can’t wait for the day I can confidently say, “Oh, that old thing? That scar doesn’t even hurt anymore.”

Yours in healing,

Categories
Reflection

Let Go or Hold On?

I promised myself I would write more regularly. Project Valor is important to me.

But I’ve been so tired.

Every day feels like too much. Too much work. Too much pressure. Too much uncertainty.

And so I want to let go. Let go of my job. Let go of my passions. Let go of my hobbies.

Then, I feel afraid. What if I let go of something too soon? What if I hold on to something long after God has called for me to let it go?

I still don’t know what to let go of or what to hold on to. I’m still praying for clarity and wisdom. And I promise to one day share the details of what is happening in my life right now: job insecurity, divorce, a calling from God.

Until next time,

Valeria
Categories
Introductions

Hello World, It’s Me, Valeria.

Your obedient servant, V.

Oh my goodness. I’m doing it. I’m writing a blog.

I never thought I would be here. Me, a writer? Well, I’ve actually been writing my whole life – including for a living – but never like this. Not laying out my experiences widely and boldly (for me, anyways).

Proposals for federal contracts? Yes.

Journaling? Of course!

A blog detailing my past and present? Nope. Never.

So why venture out like this into the unknown?

One word: OBEDIENCE.

I am a woman of faith. The closer I have become to God, the more obedient I am becoming.

Don’t get me wrong. This obedience thing is hard. Take this blog, for example. Last March, God put it in my heart to start sharing my experiences with others through writing this blog. I’ve let my fear of judgment by strangers and/or people I know stop me from doing what God has asked me to do.

Nevertheless, the time for following through on my part has come.

Now, to actually introduce myself!

  • My name is Valeria
  • I am a Christian
  • The blog’s name is Project Valor (more details on the name later!)
  • I’m 28 years old
  • I am fresh into a leadership role in my church
  • I’m the co-founder of a tech startup
  • I am going through a divorce

Most of what I end up writing will be related to one of the topics listed above. They’ve had a hand in shaping my experiences, and my goal is to connect and help others going through similar circumstances and how coming into a closer relationship with God has been transforming my life.

I am so excited to do this and get to know you all in the process.

Much love and God bless,